Let’s face it this is a new day and if you have single friends; they’ll tell you that the dating world is a nightmare! Maybe you’re recently divorced, or you’re finally stepping away from a long term relationship—whatever the case; you need an open mind.
Times have changed and you must approach dating differently. Normally you’d hear stories about a woman meeting her dream guy while waiting in line at the grocery store, shopping at the mall, in church but chances of that occurring are slim to none. In order to find Mr. Right you have to make yourself accessible. From blind dates, to speed dating or visiting the numerous online sites; you have a wide selection.
After months and months of being on date after date, you’ll find that most of the good guys are already taken. You’ll also find that it’s rough trying to find someone who is compatible to you. While some find the dating world titillating; you may really want to settle down. It is almost impossible to find the guy that would be perfect for you so…you settle for Mr. Right now.
Mr. Right now seems right for right now but he’s all wrong in every possible facet. Even though you’ve come to grips with this; you continue to date him. Before you know it, you’re in a committed relationship with someone you barely have a thing in common with but you continue to stay for fear of the unknown. Who knows when Mr. Right will come around? Who knows if he’s out there looking for you? Years will go by and Mr. Right now has not changed but you’ve become content with having someone…even if he’s not THE ONE.
Is it more important for you to be with someone you’re in love with? Or is it important to be with…anyone for the sake of saying, “I’ve got someone?” Love is out there waiting on you so go find it. Find the man that not only scratches the surface of your heart but one who knows what it takes to make you smile, and laugh. Find the man that’s meant for you even if it means being alone until it’s time for you to meet him.
The divorce rate in the U.S. is at the highest it’s been in years. A myriad of research has been documented and the figures are appalling. The statistics for the chances of divorce ranges, for a first marriage: 47%-50%, a second marriage: 60%-67% and a third marriage: 73%-74%. After looking at these figures one can make an assumption that individuals become less intolerable in marriages after the first.
What is a marriage? A marriage is the union of two individuals that are ready build and grow with each other forever. There will be tough times but each person must be competent of carrying their weight. Each party has to be ready to fight for the marriage not with their partner.
Couples are often so caught up in the romance and the fantasy of marriage; they don’t take the time to evaluate what they’re heading into. The definition of forever is “eternal; without end.” If the vows are understood in the beginning then why are so many couples rushing to the end? There isn’t a diversion to forever—there will be obstacles in relationships but having a divorce is taking the easy route.
Success can be achieved if marriage and forgiveness are synonymous. Humans are susceptible to making mistakes. You have to be willing to forgive your partner and move pass the past. Forgiving doesn’t mean throwing the pain you feel into your partner’s face in order to heal. Forgiveness means talking to your partner in effort to let go and heal.
If mistakes become habitual, then there is a greater problem at hand, i.e. one person is taking the other for granted. Communication is key so if one’s been hurt by his/her spouse then this should be communicated. If one cannot express his/her feelings then seek a counselor. Sometimes having a third impartial party can help resolve the problem/s and each person can have an opportunity to voice his/her opinion.
Bottom line is, find a solution and continue to try to fix your marriage. Divorce is a quick fix that relieves you of the responsibility of being married but sometimes spouses rush into terminating when they should focus on building.
On #AskNailah I was presented with a very difficult question. I’m going to jump right in.
After ten years of marriage my husband left me for
another woman. Through a mutual friend, I found out
that he proposed to this woman. Less than a month ago
she breaks off their engagement. He has no idea that I am
privy to this information.
I came home from work last week and he was there. He tells
me that he wants me back. I still love him though I’m
hurt. My sister tells me that I need to hold onto him because
he’s a good man. She told me that I needed to get over it and
I took vows and promised him til’ death do us part so I’ve
been considering it. Maybe I drove him to cheating. Do you
think I’m stupid if I allow him to come back home?
Let me start off by saying this, did you tell him to run in front a truck on the interstate of I-95? I would’ve!
I have learned over the years that it isn’t mature to call other people stupid. Well, I still do call people stupid but not in instances such as this one. When it comes to affairs of the heart, I believe that people will make the right decisions when the time is right. With that said, I believe that if you take this idiot back your actions will be foolish! Your marital contract became null and void when:
1. He slept with this woman.
2. He maintained an affair. We’re all human and we make mistakes. If
the circumstances were different, for instance it was a one-time
thing and he approached you highlighting his wrong doings then it
may be easier to deal with.
3. He left you for her. He obviously thought the grass was greener on
the other side and it wasn’t so he’s just going to settle for you?
Don’t think so!
4. He proposed to her. What the… HELLO?! Is he out of his mind? In
most states of the US bigamy is against the law because wives
would kill their spouses!
Him cheating is wrong on so many levels. It’s not just about trust, but about your health. There are wayyyyy too many diseases out here and I’m pretty sure you all aren’t using condoms so the question comes in mind, was he having unprotected sex with this woman? And if so, was she sleeping with anyone else? He’s opening you up to the possibility of so many other pains. Though there are men that can maintain a dual lifestyle, I think it’s impossible to truly hide when a man can hide that
he’s cheating! A woman—KNOWS! She may not have proof but there’s that woman’s intuition that tunes our radars on and causes us to analyze his every move. Something he may have said months ago may all of a sudden make some kind of sense as you may now suspect him of
It’s not about pride. It’s about allowing someone to walk over you as if you’re a doormat because you love or are in love with him. Let me ask a question: are you in love with him? Has he been a good husband over the years?
It’s all about what you’re willing to deal with. Do you want someone to be with you because he can’t live without you in his life or do you want to be with someone because the person he truly wants to be with doesn’t want him? Because if that’s the case, then Miss, I’m sorry to report the news but there will be someone else. It may not be now but it will happen eventually. He’s not content with what he has. He should treat you like the queen that you are and he should know that his inability to do the right thing can cause him to lose you. If he’s not afraid of losing you then he won’t hold himself accountable for his actions or lack of as your spouse.
Should you forgive him? Yes, you should. Not until you do so will you be able to move on: whether it’s with or without him. Should you allow him in the house? Yes, to get the rest of his shit! I would say don’t even waste your time packing up his things but it may be therapeutic. You may find an expensive cufflink you purchased him that you may want to keep in your possession and seemingly… misplace. His expensive shirts or hats; I’d accidentally empty a bottle of bleach in his closet. My reaction would be, “Ooops, I don’t know how that happened?” I’d be seemingly empathetic to his pain but inside cynically laugh at the stupid look on his stupid face and scream on the inside “BAM! One for me!!!” Throw a couple of expletives in there. I’ve come to realize that at times, these words may help deal with your frustrations.
Even though I’m joking, I’m really not! You need to be with someone that’s willing to give you his all as I’m sure you have given your all.
I know it’s easier said than done and if you have single girlfriends; they may have shared the horror stories of the single life and how hard it is to find a good mate. If your husband is having affairs, there’s no way he could be giving his all to you. I’m sure there are times you’ve been lonely because his time was taken up by this other woman. Which would you prefer: to be lonely or alone? You should want him to be in your corner if his intentions are true so if they aren’t dude you can kick rocks!
Sometimes it seems easier to deal with someone who’s not giving you what you need rather than starting over for fear of the unknown or fear of being alone. It’s not going to be easy but it will get easier with time.
So, I’m confused by your sister’s reaction. Normally sisters are ready to key the cheaters car or puncture his tires. Your sister tells you to…get
over it? Tell her she can have him if she doesn’t agree with the decisions you’re making! No one should TELL you how to feel or what to do. At the end of the day you’ll have to deal and live with him. You have to deal with the strain of worrying about if he’s cheating on you every time he’s not in your presence. Who wants to deal with that stress? You deserve happiness like everyone else so tell your idiot husband that karma is a bitch and I hope she screws him sooner than
Hey I’m being real, you may not like the way I dish it but reflect on what I’m saying. Sometimes we need it dished out raw in order to “get it!” Tell your husband “hit the high road because I will become stronger because of this!”
On #AskNailah, a young woman asks, when is it okay to have a bowel movement in the presence of your significant other? Now, you know I’m all for the straight-talk. When it comes to this issue, some women can be very sensitive about the matter. Some women—like myself! Then there are those that don't give a damned about the issue.
Well, to women like me, discussing ‘the bathroom’ to our mate is faux pas—it’s a big no, no. We seem to think that our men don’t know that our bodies react the same way, well …because we’re all human and it’s a part of life. I always like to use myself as an example.
I think that society puts so much pressure on women. We’re always expected to ‘act like a lady’. We would never pass gas, pick our nostrils or burp just to name a few of the nasty things men do that they don’t really give two craps about! We don’t ever want our men to know that sometimes we may eat something that doesn’t quite agree with our body. Or sometimes, we just have to go!
I remember when my husband and I first started dating; I never ever used the bathroom when we were in each others presence. When we lived together, I’d wait until he went to work or left the house to use the bathroom. Back then the relationship was fairly new, we were still getting to know each other and I was always trying to be ‘cute’. Him knowing that I frequent in ‘pooping’ was not hot! I wanted to keep that secret from him for as long as possible. One day he said to me, when do you shit? He’s a man, did you expect him to put that mildly or to sugar coat it? Anyway, I was offended that he even asked me such an outrageous question. “Excuse me?” I remembered replying in effort to give myself time to react. He repeated his question then I replied, “I don’t go that often.” LYING through my teeth! Truth of the matter is, I didn’t want to go when he was home for fear that the stench when I opened the door, would put him in a coma.
For years this went on. I kid you not when I say that for as long as I’ve known him it took me about 6/7 years of us living together, for me to use the bathroom in his presence. When I say in his presence, we’re not even going to the extreme that he’s in the bathroom with me. God forbid! That would never happen. I just mean that both you and your mate were in the home, your stomach churned and you'd excuse yourself to ‘handle your business’.
I remember there were times when we’d watch a movie and I felt my stomach gurgle. I’d sit there trying to remain as still as possible for fear that I wouldn’t be able to contain this mass war that was taking place in my body. On the outside I was calm and trying to looking cute but on the inside I was thinking, ‘damn, I gotta shit! Not now!”
Slowly I inconspicuously turned, crossing one leg over the other then exhaling as I felt those turtle heads poke out. “OMG please go back! Go back! I can’t right now!” I remembered talking to my bowel movement. Sweat beads burst out onto my forehead and I felt light headed. It was painful trying to prevent something natural from occurring. Still, I refused to use the bathroom because he was there.
Don’t judge me! LOL. We’ve all been there.
Back to the story, luckily for me he was a smoker then and ran out of cigarettes. He left and the door couldn’t shut faster; I bolted for the bathroom. If I didn’t remove my garments quick enough…Houston, we’d have a problem! No more than 10 seconds of me releasing because I didn’t have to strain since it was already on the verge of exit; I heard the door. OH crap! Flushed the toilet, ran the water and sprayed the air freshener. Then I did the sniff test: smelling away from the mists to see if the ‘scent’ still lingered. I had no other choice; it was time to take a shower. I calculated that by the time I showered, the freshness of my Dove body wash would fill the air and take over this horrid smell.
Side note: Guys do you see all the things we go through just to uphold that perfect image?
Well, this was the day that changed it all. Within a few days of working at a new location, someone passed a horrible stomach virus my way. Back then I worked 2 minutes from home and I really needed to go--it was one of those, you don’t want to think about doing that at work. My husband worked nights and I worked days so I thought: I could use the bathroom without him even knowing I was there. BOOM! Got to the house, tip toed to the bedroom to see if he was asleep. He was. *Smiled! Kicked my boots off and flew in the bathroom. Less than two seconds, EEEK… the bedroom door swung open. WTF, is he the shit patrol officer? Why does he always catch me?
“Babe, what are you doing here?”
“Be out in a second!” I yelled trying to shield the panic in my voice.
This is why women don’t like men. Okay so he caught me…he just has to make matters worst:
“You taking a shit?”
“I’ll be out.” I retorted.
Meanwhile in the bathroom, sirens and horns sounded off. Code RED! Code RED! Warning! Warning! I’m lighting candles, spraying air freshener, doing the courtesy flushes. The entire time, this fool is outside the door cracking jokes about how I kicked my shoes off and kept asking me to open the door. I was embarrassed. This was a serious matter. He knew I shitted! This was bad…very bad. I sat in the bathroom for another fifteen minutes after I was through. I couldn’t face him. Of course the more embarrassed I was the more joy he had out of poking fun of the situation.
So to the young woman asking the question: honey, do not feel bad—I was there and I’m pretty sure many other women were as well. Some won’t be so blatant as to freely discuss the topic but I’m sure I'm not alone. My answer to your question however is, do it when you feel you’re ready. If you still think it’s too early to let the cat out the bag, then here’s my suggestion. Do not eat anything before or during your visits if you know that your body disagrees with.
Hope my story shows you that you’re normal for feeling the way you do! There’s no shame in my game; I’ll tell an embarrassing story in hopes that it can help someone. Trust me, if I didn’t get sick that day; I probably would still be hiding that secret! Ladies, feel free to share your stories. I can use a laugh!
I’m always giving relationship advice to friends and/or family. I found myself saying, “it’s only sorry until the next time”. I wrote down the line and knew that a poem would be the result.
I've started a new category on Twitter and on my page called, #AskNailah. If you have a question; I'll blog on it.
Back to the issue at hand.
So to all the people that may be in a bad relationship that may not have the strength to leave…check out this scenario of a persona that’s in a desolate relationship who’s struggling to find answers to a conundrum she’s figured out.
I hope this motivates you to do what you need to do.
"Sorry 'til the next time."
Apologies are illegitimately full of the bogus bull*hit.
You continuously spit the same game,
the same lines
because it’s only sorry until the next time.
Because this time
you hold my hand
and look into
but the next time
your one line
is derived from
a repetition of the same game.
I’m a lover’s fool but I
refuse to be your fool
falling for the same line
until the next time.
I’m not the same girl
that ate the same lines
because it’s all lies.
You genuinely deceive me
as you have no accountability
because in your eyes
your excuses makes sense.
But in my eyes
I need to get some sense
since so many times
I hear the same lines
from the same dude.
Though I continue to love you,
I realized I need to love me more.
I’m broken-hearted with you
so why not be without you
since the loneliness feels the same.
It’s just the same game
and I feel insane
because I’m doing the same thing
but expecting alterations
to the same game: insanity!
Insanely reiterating what I’ve already told myself:
I need to let go.
Let go without hoping that you’ll changed.
I’m convinced that you won’t.
what I need to do
but I strengthen the hurt when I let go and go back to you.
Lacking the strength to leave
I believe what I believe
you give me no reason to see outside of how I feel.
Seeing it for what it’s worth, this sorry is the last time.
-words of a woman that’s ‘Fed up’.
Every direction you turn, someone somewhere is looking for their perfect mate—their Mr. or Mrs. Right. When you watch television, someone in a dire situation finds the person that makes their heart flutter, the sound of this person’s voice strengthens their spirit and brings them through turmoil—somewhere right now as you read—someone is finding their soul mate.
You listen to songs on the radio that relate how good it is to be in love and you yearn for that connection with someone, you long to find someone that, in your mind; would make you complete. Being in love is relative; it varies from person to person. One can be in love but simultaneously live in a distressful environment that leaves you drained and empty. Sometimes loving a person is not enough as you should first learn to love the being that is essentially most important: yourself.
In order to find love you need to love yourself and understand what is healthy and what would lead to blissfulness for you. Of course you won’t be happy all the time because relationships have its fair share of ups and downs but if the bad outweighs the good then it’s time to rationalize the situation.
Let’s start at the beginning, Dating. Prior to finding this person, you have expectations, whether they are physical, financial or emotional—you know what you want and you venture for this and settle for nothing less.
Some of us believe that a man/woman needs to be financially competent of catering to our needs. Some women want men who drive expensive cars, take them to upscale restaurants to rub noses with other wealthy and successful individuals, some men believe they can shower a woman with diamonds and shopping sprees and it illustrates their undying devotion to them. Then there are men want their women to wait on them hand and foot—have dinner ready the moment he walks through the door from a long day at work. Others want someone to love and care for them—financially they may be unstable but they believe that their love and faith will see them through the toughest situations but will be able to one day live comfortably. To each his/her own; do what makes you happy.
However, as time passes and loneliness engulfs you; your expectations decline. You find yourself being tolerable of unendurable circumstances for fear of being alone. You date an individual who is not within your caliber and expect the impossible. The first thing to do is know what you like and search for someone within those boundaries. There’s nothing worst to assume you’ve found the one only to realize how incompatible you both are.
My theory is this, cherish yourself then you’ll be able to find someone who can adore you. If material things make you happy, there’s no point in being with someone that cannot offer you this. A relationship is immensely intricate but in order for things to work out, you have to be able to relate to the person you’re with—until you realize what you want, things will continue to fall along the wayside.