Having a mini-me i.e. my almost 8-month old daughter, has been very adventurous. When people say, kids change your life, please believe them! LOL

I struggle with not knowing when/how to separate the ‘mommy’ role from my entirety.  Of course, if you’re a mother you’re always a mother in all that you do (at least that’s the way it should be). Whether you’re a wife, girlfriend or fiancée as women we tend to forget our significant other once we’ve been introduced to motherhood. 

In order for a relationship to continue to grow, both parties MUST be willing to put in the work. I’m guilty of this…as are most women so please don’t get defensive. We tend to give so much of ourselves to our kids when it’s time to enjoy our mates; we find that all we can talk about are the kids. If you want to maintain a healthy relationship, you have to put in the time. There’s no other way to say it. It may be a little difficult to do so now that you have a child/children but it’s important to make time for each other. I know, I know; it’s easier said than done. There’s so much to do, especially if you’re a working mom…heck, stay at home moms have it hard too: after working/being at home with the kids all day, you need a break! The last thing you want to do is appease to your mate. In your mind, you want your mate to do ninety-five percent of the work. You want him to ask how your day went. You want him to really pay attention to the conversation that may follow. You want him to hold you, rub your feet, cook dinner but guess what; he comes home exhausted from work too. Sometimes he takes the kids off your hands so that you are able to cook or do the things you were incapable of doing due to having the kids. By the time it’s all said and done, it’s time for bed then you wake up and do it all over again. 
 
If your relationship/marriage is important to you, here are some tips to help balance both worlds:
 
1.     Talk to him. Sit down with your mate each night, after you’ve put the kids to bed and talk. Set this time aside—turn off the TV and even if it’s 15 minutes; talk to him about your day, ask him how was his. Tell him your plans for the next day. This time is just about you and him--not the kids.

2.     Make a date night once a week! If your ends are tight then do something at home. Set the table, light some candles, pull a bottle of wine off the shelf and enjoy each other’s company.

3.     Plan a getaway. Whether you can afford to go on a cruise once a year, or even if you use a vacation day at work; take some time to do something with your mate. Plan a surprise picnic for him in the spring; just tell him to be there. The flames/passion won’t die if you’re working at keeping things spicy. 
 
4.     Tell him you love him. When you’re at work or sitting at home wondering what to cook for dinner, stressed about the bills… send him a text or make a phone call just to say, “Baby, I love you.”


5.     Watch what he likes. Men are big kids. Sometimes we just have to break down and suffer through the basketball games or those ridiculous shows on ESPN that you know he’s seen at least two times. He’s going to talk to you about stats, and who’s getting recruited and all of that nonsense that we couldn’t care less about. Listen, nod and smile. I’m not saying sit on the couch all day because as women we always have things to do whether it’s the laundry, food shopping, whatever it may be, just take a minute to entertain him in his frivolities. For the young
couples, my husband can sit in front the TV playing his Xbox for hours at a time. If this is your mate, get a book, or get on the laptop then sit next to him. Pay attention off and on when he starts talking about how good his moves are, don’t roll your eyes; smile. 

6.     Don’t kill him! LOL. When he plucks your last nerve and you feel like you’re about to commit a murder, think back to when you first met and it was just the two of you. A relationship has to go through so many
journeys…so be patient.

7.     Laugh with him. My hubby and I are both nuts. We’re peas in a pod. Whether we’re talking about things that happened, or just being goofy; we laugh with each other. Laughter is great to the heart so laugh and be merry. 

8.     Enjoy him. Remember that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed so live it to the fullest. We are not promised another day so love him! When you have a disagreement, apologize and make amends before the day is over. 
 
Well, I hope this helps someone out there. Please feel free to share your stories. Love wholeheartedly!

Nai’lah

I work too much or at least that’s what I’ve been told. Different people  have noticed my hustle and tell me that I need to slow down. Some have even said, “hey, you need to stop!” So my thing is this…I’m working at achieving a certain goal. I’m an aspiring writer, mother, wife, with a fulltime job who’s nursing an 8 month old. At times I get weary, at times I want to quit because I feel overwhelmed. However when I think about giving up something in the back of my mind tells me to FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT! So I WRITE, and I WRITE and I WRITE some more. 
 
There are so many stories within that are dying to be told. It’s not that I’m aiming for perfection though I’m a perfectionist…Shhh…I want to illustrate the best of me to my readers! I have so many projects that could’ve been completed so long ago but I want to know that the story is being told the way I envisioned it.  Masterpieces take a long time to come to fruition so I take things one day at a time. 

I don’t expect other people to understand my plight nor do I expect them to empathize with my circumstances. Heck, they don’t even have to respect what I do. The people that matter—respect my hustle and determination so to everyone else...your opinion of me doesn’t phase me. I care for my kids—I cook daily, provide a healthy environment for my children, support their endeavors and after I’ve done my mommy/wifely duties; I write. If my writing takes me into the wee hours of the mornings and I only get 2-3 hours of sleep then that’s my
choice.
 
I aspire to be…and I will but nothing worth having ever comes easily. When opportunity comes knocking I WILL BE READY! My hard work will reap the rewards I so desperately seek. To my fellow writers who experience anything similar…please speak out! I’d love to hear your stories.

A woman sent a profound request that demanded all of my attention. Unfortunately for me, I’ve been swamped with work and my household duties which left me with little to no time to respond.

The email went something like this…

Nai’lah,
I’m bringing this question to your attention because for the most part, I believe that every writer has encountered this problem at one point. For most of my life I have been invalidated as a writer. People have this notion that because I don’t have a 9 to 5 occupation, my life is meaningless. Not because I don’t have mountains of money; it doesn’t mean that I’m not working. Sometimes, I feel like quitting so as to shut them up! But I won’t be defeated by their ignorance. This is my passion and my existence; I just want some empathy.

When I read this, I could relate 100%. Though I am a working mom and an aspiring writer doesn’t remotely remove me from these feelings that you attain. However, if you don’t mind me saying, the issue doesn’t lie in being a writer, but in being…a woman. Often times, the things that we do are unseen or undervalued. You, me and every other woman around the entire globe face these very issues daily—we cook, clean, care for our kids in their time of illness, take them to games and practice, help with homework and we do so with a smile on our faces and love in our hearts. We do it all daily with lack of sleep and we’re expected to get up and go, go, go no matter what. Stay-at-home Moms, working Moms, full-time Aspiring…whatevers: Writers, Singers, Actors, Models…women with dreams are all combined into one as we all face the same challenges!

I received my B.A. in English and to find a job with a Liberal Arts degree seems like a hoax—we aren’t taken seriously. Graduating at the top of your class is unimportant. It seems as if the world thinks we breezed through college. It’s as if we didn’t have to write twenty and thirty page research papers, or as if we didn’t have to take the same general electives or work twice as hard as the average college student. So when you wonder if I can relate, my dear… trust me; I can. I work for a company that makes a mockery of my degree. Some of my coworkers attain higher positions than I; they lack the expertise, and professionalism I acquire. While on vacation, I’ve covered for them, and on several instances; I’ve even trained them on different applications. Since my degree isn’t a technical one; I continue to be overlooked.

For years, I found myself disgruntle and down right, bitter when it came to going to work. I hated every minute of it until a few months ago when I had my daughter. Instead of looking at my current circumstances and dreading and waiting for tomorrow, I started living in today! In doing so, I motivated myself by every deterrence and by every condescending act I faced—because I was and am bigger than this! This—my current situation is my humble beginnings—I am destined to something greater but I have to live through this to get where I’m trying to go! I live in today but I’m looking for tomorrow. NO one can make me feel as if I’m less than what I’m worth because I cherish who I am!

Here’s the thing, you need not worry about how you’re valued in another person’s mind. Worry about how you see yourself. See your worth, appreciate your talent. You should worry about how your kids or your spouse/significant other/family and friends see/s you. Anyone after that… tell them to, kick rocks! Kick rocks simply means, for them to go about their business and let them allow you to go about yours! You should focus your energy on your craft. I live for my writing so I can commiserate with your feelings towards it. You can’t worry yourself with another person’s perception of you, you can’t worry if they can empathize with your situation. They’re trying to deter you from what you were destined to do!

I always have to be myself… I try being nice and doing the right thing. If you’re like me then this is your downfall too. If they don’t understand your plight as a Writer, after you’ve reasoned with them then tell them, in plain English to go F**K themselves!

I’m pretty sure you all are aware of the concept of Speed Reading; it’s a method that attempts to increase the rate of reading without reducing comprehension or retention. Studies show that even though the human eye fixates on each word and space during the process; speed reading occurs when the number of times the eye pauses is minimized. 

As I was putting my daughter down for a nap, I thought about two hours earlier when I put her down for a nap. I quickly cleaned the kitchen as my time is limited; I have to rush to do everything. I took out my notes for the TV-series that I was working on then turned on the laptop. The moment I opened the Word document, she woke up. I swear she must have laid down for all of twenty minutes. 
  
I had to tend to my baby. About thirty minutes later, I got her to settle down in her swing. As the animals rotated on her mobile, I hurried over to my laptop to realize before turning it on that it was time to get my son off the school bus.
  
Now, three hours later—she decides that she’s tired. Ready to take advantage of this time to get some writing done; I put her in her crib prematurely. She instantaneously wakes up and starts fussing. I had to rock and sing to her for her to finally fall asleep. I tip toed out the room.
 
As a result I came up with a writing method I’m sure most others/parents may find helpful: Speed writing--what is this you may
ask? Well, Speed writing is a method where you have no idea what time restraint you’re working on. Like a bomb getting ready to explode—down to the last few seconds; as soon as your keys hit the keyboard all you have to be concerned with is writing and doing so quickly! 
 
Similar to the concept of speed reading, you will have to write without reading what you’ve written. In my blog about “Free-writing” I talked about writing without editing. Leave the editing for the editing stages. We all know that you can’t possibly be objective when writing your first draft of anything.  
 
In a nutshell, Speed Writing is your effort to making time to write. Between work, the kids, soccer/football/basketball practices/games, family, friends; you find time—no matter how short a duration to write. I’ve been writing for all but 30minutes so far but I’m pretty sure the moment I dig into this TV-series and start concentrating; she’s going to get up. LOL. OH the joys of motherhood. 
 
Let me know how this works if at all. 

Wishing you all the best,
Nai’lah

Before I begin my discourse on the issue, please understand that I’m not passing judgment. I have no clue how people can have more than one child. I don't know what I was thinking. I recently had a baby and I feel like I’m about to lose my mind at times. My 6-year old has no idea what the word: personal space means. Nor does he understand when I say, “Can you give me a minute?”

From the moment I step through the door, the talking is incessant! He’ll start telling me about his day, what he did with his best friend, how exciting this new book he got from the library has been, oh and how he wants me to visit this website and download this game and mommy what are you cooking, how was your day, you look nice, did you know that…AAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Losing my mind!

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not complaining about my kids but sometimes I have a lot on my mind or I just had a long day and I really need a second to think. Many times, I don’t have a moment to as much as…use the restroom. I get in, dish out the hugs and kisses to the family then head to the kitchen because I know if I sit down—nothing will get done. Of course the baby senses that I’m home so she starts whining and I have to give her some MORE attention.

Cook, clean, serve dinner, help with homework, bath time and oh yes…I still haven’t used the bathroom yet! Finally I can sit down for a second and exhale. My son is inches from my face. Wanting to be up under me 24-7 and it’s not that I don’t want him around—it’s just that I feel like there’s always something going on and I’m trying to keep up so my patience is thin. Sometimes I want to sew his lip shut or put him in timeout on the balcony—just for talking to me.

It’s funny when my kids act up they become my husband’s children. I find myself saying, you need to talk to your son or your son is working my last nerves. My husband’s going out of town this weekend and I said; I hope you plan on taking your son with you. I can’t imagine being in the house with these kids alone all weekend; the 6 and 10 year old will be at the corner with a sign, “Will work for snacks and toys!”

I can’t imagine having 4 or 5 kids…how do you share yourself equally among 3/4/5 kids, a spouse/mate, and have a life of your own? I appreciate the support I receive from my spouse because sometimes I think I’d go insane!

Sometimes my kids would do some crazy stuff and my husband and I would catch ourselves before we snapped; we’d look at each other, shake our heads and laugh just to lighten the situation. It’s hard being a parent! My question is geared to other mothers with more than one child but mainly towards single mothers. How do you do it and make it seem so effortless? How do you go to school and work or go to school and be a stay at home mom with all those kids? What tips can you share? Again, I’m not complaining; I’m blessed to have beautiful and smart babies that want to be around me but how do you do it?

I look forward to your responses.
Nai’lah

Today on #AskNailah, someone is seeking parenting advice. Now, when the question was presented to me, I followed up with other questions in order to give an honest opinion. 
 
Here’s the situation,
 
A young woman has two kids: 4 and 7. Her 4-year old doesn’t listen to her at all. During a football game, she’s discussing problems that she’s been having with her kids’ father to another parent. Meanwhile her 4-year old walks on the football field and begins playing with another child. Oblivious to this because she’s so engrossed in her conversation; she has no idea of her son’s whereabouts. As other parents alert her about her child, she screams for him to get off the field. He ignores her, she starts yelling expletives and threatens him until he unwillingly obliges. Immediately she returns to her conversation. A few moments
after he knocks over a trash can and she yells for him to pick it up. He
refuses. She walks over to him and begins yelling again.  Throughout
the game, he continues to get himself into mischief—sometimes she disciplines him by grabbing then shaking him but other times; she ignores him. 

I asked her to explain her disciplining methods. She explained that sometimes in order for him to listen; she’ll promise to get him toys or candy. Also, she added that if she tells him to do something and he doesn’t; she’ll let him do as he chooses because it’s ‘easier that way’. Finally she ends the conversation with, what should I do?
 
Well, there are a few things I need to address. Our children know what actions are intolerable. If your son continues to do the same thing over and over then he knows that there are no repercussions to his actions. Of course, while in public you may not want to discipline him but there’s a way to get them back on track at least until you can appropriately handle the situation. For example, tell him that you will take away his TV time or his toys. As a parent you have to follow through with your actions. If you tell your kids you’re going to take away their toys due to bad behavior, then do it! Kids know when you’re calling a bluff and they won’t learn if you don’t follow through. 

As parents we need to understand that the same principle applies in regards to respect. Respect must be given in order for it to be received. I speak to my children and not at them. If you’re swearing and yelling at your children, they will fear you not respect you. When you speak to them, explain why they should do the right thing. If you bring them up this way, they will continue to do what is expected—in and out of your presence.

Lastly, you seem frustrated with other issues, which are keeping you from being the best mother you can be. I would advise you to keep your problems separate. Utilize the time at the football game to support your 7-year old son on the field. As for your 4-year old, it’s apparent that he’s seeking attention so give it to him—spend more time with him or find something that will gain his interest. 
  
Thanks for your question! Keep me posted.
Nai’lah

So many people ask me this question all of the time. While I believe that I should be doing so much more, other people commend me on being an inspiration and ask the question, how do you do it?

Lately I’ve been depressed and it can possibly result from overexertion. I always try to do more than I should. Never is it my intention to outdo the next individual because I’m solely concerned about being the best me; I am cognizant of the benefits I would like to sow from life. Nothing falls on your lap. If you want to attain something, you have to work at achieving it. I’m never going to say that I didn’t make it as a Professional Writer because I was afraid or too lazy to try. I’m going to continue motivating myself each and every day.

To answer the question everyone has been asking: it’s my children. They make me who I am. If it’s one thing I know I’m good at…it’s being a mom. I want to be someone my kids can look up to. It is essential for them to understand that life can be harsh but you have to roll with the punches, pick yourself up when you fall and fight even if all odds are against you.

My weakness is fear of failing so I overextend myself and it is literally catching up to me. I’m beginning to see how important it is to have time to relax and recuperate. I feel as if I’m living outside of my body. I can’t remember a thing! I’m always ripping and running. At nights, I wake up to nurse and care for my daughter and it seems more systematic than anything. Half of the times I don’t recall what transpired after I went to bed. Subconsciously I knew I woke up to feed her but the memory is vague.

I’m really unsure as to how things get done sometimes. I just know that if I don’t do anything nothing will be accomplished. Life is too short and I want to leave a positive imprint in the hearts of others. I’ve always had to fight and standup for myself. I’m doing this because it’s my destiny. I am clay, broken from the mold of my mother. I am not living by what society conforms as the ‘norm’. I am existing through my words—I am a writer who was chosen to inspire and strengthen others. If after all that I’ve been through, I can smile and keep my head held high; anyone can seek tranquility from within.

 Before I went out on maternity leave I used to be so frustrated with my current situation. Don’t get me wrong, I was grateful for all that God blessed me with but was upset with myself because I wasn’t where I wanted to be.

I’m a writer that wasn’t writing for a living. Even though I attained my degree with a 3.7 grade point average; I’m not using it. I eagerly want the liberty to wake up and write but most importantly to be compensated for my talent. In my current position, I’m not doing anything remotely close to what I want to do.

I would tweet all day about how much I hated my job. I was steadily trying to find something else…anything else. I went out on maternity leave and couldn’t have been happier. When it was time to return, I was struggling with separation anxiety and depression.

Realizing that my situation is stagnant; I started mentally preparing myself for my return. By the time I was back to work I had this notion: no matter how long it takes; I will consciously and subconsciously make every effort to achieve my goals to become a full-time writer. My situation hasn’t changed but I feel much better. I no longer dread being at work; I understand that this is only for a time. With hard work and determination; I will achieve all my goals. I accept my 9-5 job and I’m grateful that I can provide for my children. A lot of people do not have that luxury so instead of complaining about what I don’t have; I’m appreciating the things I attain. God is good when he’s ready to bless me with more; I’ll gladly accept it. For now, I’ve adjusted my attitude and looking in the future instead of the present. I am a great writer and I will be rewarded with the acclamation I deserve. I made a decision to think positive and this has helped tremendously. I have this new found tranquility that helps me through my struggles.

If you’re a ‘starving artist’ like me and you can relate to this blog, try adjusting your lenses. Trust me; you’ll be less perturbed because your vision will not focus on what’s NOT right but on the things that are.

For the past two months I’ve been so sleep deprived that it’s beginning to affect my memory, my drive and my patience. I feel like a walking zombie. My daughter turned 8 weeks today and though I’ve figured out her sleeping/feeding cycle—there are intervals where those have patterns change. She’s eating more and I feel as if she’s depleting me of any energy left.

For those of you that haven’t been on Twitter, I mentioned that I’m back to work. I’m not too pleased about that but grateful that I have a place to return to with the way our economy has been.

Prior to me returning to work, her pediatrician wanted me to feed her every two hours but she’d wake up at 3:00AM and refused to sleep until 6:00AM. The difference here was that I was on maternity leave so I was able to have frequent naps throughout the day. Now, I’m up by 3.30AM; feed her then get myself dressed for worked. By 4:45/5:00AM I’m at work. I pick her up from daycare at 1.31PM. When I get home, I clean/cook then get my son off the school bus at 3:43PM. From there it’s homework/reading/mental stimulation ‘time’, then I get him ready for football practice. At 5:00PM my husband takes him to his practice, thankfully!

Now, for the next two hours she gets a bath and hopefully takes a nap. Sometimes it works in my favor but other times…well, I take it as it comes. During this time, I can either utilize for writing/nap time. At 8:30PM my son gets home and either my husband or I give him a bath. We have dinner and by 9:30 it’s bed time (for my son). By this time I’m on the verge of “E” i.e. empty. I get her things ready: her clothes, diaper bag and prepare my son’s lunchbox for the next day because my husband gets them ready and drops them off prior to going to work. So around 10/10:30PM I can’t think, I’m confused, I’m irritated and very impatient—mostly with my spouse—who else am I supposed to take my frustrations out on? (Joke!)

My question to other mothers is: how can I make time to write? How can I make time for me when so much is expected of me? Sometimes I become so frustrated because the moment I sit down to put a dent in some writing or just to relax; she wakes up. Then the next day while I’m at work I just ponder about how unproductive I’ve become. It’s not that I’m not inspired or motivated—I don’t have the time nor energy to do anything outside of my children. I’ve heard of stories where moms return to school to attain degrees with four or five kids. How the heck do they do it?

Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that what I do isn’t a lot; I’m just trying to figure out how I can be more productive throughout the day. I can use a few pointers here.

Looking forward to your responses,
Nai’lah