Let’s face it this is a new day and if you have single friends; they’ll tell you that the dating world is a nightmare! Maybe you’re recently divorced, or you’re finally stepping away from a long term relationship—whatever the case; you need an open mind.

Times have changed and you must approach dating differently. Normally you’d hear stories about a woman meeting her dream guy while waiting in line at the grocery store, shopping at the mall, in church but chances of that occurring are slim to none. In order to find Mr. Right you have to make yourself accessible. From blind dates, to speed dating or visiting the numerous online sites; you have a wide selection.

After months and months of being on date after date, you’ll find that most of the good guys are already taken. You’ll also find that it’s rough trying to find someone who is compatible to you. While some find the dating world titillating; you may really want to settle down. It is almost impossible to find the guy that would be perfect for you so…you settle for Mr. Right now.

Mr. Right now seems right for right now but he’s all wrong in every possible facet.  Even though you’ve come to grips with this; you continue to date him. Before you know it, you’re in a committed relationship with someone you barely have a thing in common with but you continue to stay for fear of the unknown. Who knows when Mr. Right will come around? Who knows if he’s out there looking for you? Years will go by and Mr. Right now has not changed but you’ve become content with having someone…even if he’s not THE ONE.

Is it more important for you to be with someone you’re in love with? Or is it important to be with…anyone for the sake of saying, “I’ve got someone?” Love is out there waiting on you so go find it. Find the man that not only scratches the surface of your heart but one who knows what it takes to make you smile, and laugh. Find the man that’s meant for you even if it means being alone until it’s time for you to meet him.

The divorce rate in the U.S. is at the highest it’s been in years. A myriad of research has been documented and the figures are appalling. The statistics for the chances of divorce ranges, for a first marriage: 47%-50%, a second marriage: 60%-67% and a third marriage: 73%-74%. After looking at these figures one can make an assumption that individuals become less intolerable in marriages after the first.

What is a marriage? A marriage is the union of two individuals that are ready build and grow with each other forever. There will be tough times but each person must be competent of carrying their weight. Each party has to be ready to fight for the marriage not with their partner.

Couples are often so caught up in the romance and the fantasy of marriage; they don’t take the time to evaluate what they’re heading into. The definition of forever is “eternal; without end.” If the vows are understood in the beginning then why are so many couples rushing to the end? There isn’t a diversion to forever—there will be obstacles in relationships but having a divorce is taking the easy route.

Success can be achieved if marriage and forgiveness are synonymous. Humans are susceptible to making mistakes. You have to be willing to forgive your partner and move pass the past. Forgiving doesn’t mean throwing the pain you feel into your partner’s face in order to heal. Forgiveness means talking to your partner in effort to let go and heal.

If mistakes become habitual, then there is a greater problem at hand, i.e. one person is taking the other for granted. Communication is key so if one’s been hurt by his/her spouse then this should be communicated. If one cannot express his/her feelings then seek a counselor. Sometimes having a third impartial party can help resolve the problem/s and each person can have an opportunity to voice his/her opinion.  

Bottom line is, find a solution and continue to try to fix your marriage. Divorce is a quick fix that relieves you of the responsibility of being married but sometimes spouses rush into terminating when they should focus on building.

Having a mini-me i.e. my almost 8-month old daughter, has been very adventurous. When people say, kids change your life, please believe them! LOL

I struggle with not knowing when/how to separate the ‘mommy’ role from my entirety.  Of course, if you’re a mother you’re always a mother in all that you do (at least that’s the way it should be). Whether you’re a wife, girlfriend or fiancée as women we tend to forget our significant other once we’ve been introduced to motherhood. 

In order for a relationship to continue to grow, both parties MUST be willing to put in the work. I’m guilty of this…as are most women so please don’t get defensive. We tend to give so much of ourselves to our kids when it’s time to enjoy our mates; we find that all we can talk about are the kids. If you want to maintain a healthy relationship, you have to put in the time. There’s no other way to say it. It may be a little difficult to do so now that you have a child/children but it’s important to make time for each other. I know, I know; it’s easier said than done. There’s so much to do, especially if you’re a working mom…heck, stay at home moms have it hard too: after working/being at home with the kids all day, you need a break! The last thing you want to do is appease to your mate. In your mind, you want your mate to do ninety-five percent of the work. You want him to ask how your day went. You want him to really pay attention to the conversation that may follow. You want him to hold you, rub your feet, cook dinner but guess what; he comes home exhausted from work too. Sometimes he takes the kids off your hands so that you are able to cook or do the things you were incapable of doing due to having the kids. By the time it’s all said and done, it’s time for bed then you wake up and do it all over again. 
 
If your relationship/marriage is important to you, here are some tips to help balance both worlds:
 
1.     Talk to him. Sit down with your mate each night, after you’ve put the kids to bed and talk. Set this time aside—turn off the TV and even if it’s 15 minutes; talk to him about your day, ask him how was his. Tell him your plans for the next day. This time is just about you and him--not the kids.

2.     Make a date night once a week! If your ends are tight then do something at home. Set the table, light some candles, pull a bottle of wine off the shelf and enjoy each other’s company.

3.     Plan a getaway. Whether you can afford to go on a cruise once a year, or even if you use a vacation day at work; take some time to do something with your mate. Plan a surprise picnic for him in the spring; just tell him to be there. The flames/passion won’t die if you’re working at keeping things spicy. 
 
4.     Tell him you love him. When you’re at work or sitting at home wondering what to cook for dinner, stressed about the bills… send him a text or make a phone call just to say, “Baby, I love you.”


5.     Watch what he likes. Men are big kids. Sometimes we just have to break down and suffer through the basketball games or those ridiculous shows on ESPN that you know he’s seen at least two times. He’s going to talk to you about stats, and who’s getting recruited and all of that nonsense that we couldn’t care less about. Listen, nod and smile. I’m not saying sit on the couch all day because as women we always have things to do whether it’s the laundry, food shopping, whatever it may be, just take a minute to entertain him in his frivolities. For the young
couples, my husband can sit in front the TV playing his Xbox for hours at a time. If this is your mate, get a book, or get on the laptop then sit next to him. Pay attention off and on when he starts talking about how good his moves are, don’t roll your eyes; smile. 

6.     Don’t kill him! LOL. When he plucks your last nerve and you feel like you’re about to commit a murder, think back to when you first met and it was just the two of you. A relationship has to go through so many
journeys…so be patient.

7.     Laugh with him. My hubby and I are both nuts. We’re peas in a pod. Whether we’re talking about things that happened, or just being goofy; we laugh with each other. Laughter is great to the heart so laugh and be merry. 

8.     Enjoy him. Remember that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed so live it to the fullest. We are not promised another day so love him! When you have a disagreement, apologize and make amends before the day is over. 
 
Well, I hope this helps someone out there. Please feel free to share your stories. Love wholeheartedly!

Nai’lah

God sent a message to me through a dear friend of mine. If you’ve been following me on Twitter and reading my blogs for some time you’ll be cognizant that when it comes to this writing; I give it my all. Writing is not something I do from time to time; it’s a lifestyle. I write…all day. When I’m getting dressed for work, driving, doing other activities; I’m thinking about the next story or the way to make the story I’m working on…better! 

My last project was to prepare a script for the Nicholl Fellowship. I can’t emphasize how difficult it is to wear the hats of mommy, wife, daughter, sister, friend, writer, editor, critic, publisher and publicist. Don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way complaining about what I do. I love it all; however at times trying to juggle it all can be somewhat difficult. 
 
I digressed...so I picked up my script for the umpteenth time to edit—it’s been more than 30 times. I stepped away from it for about 3 months, returned to it to still find errors. I tweaked some scenes and I’m in love with the final product. Hard work pays off but at a cost. I can’t remember the last time I slept for more than 4/5 hours. The downside to this is that I have children that need me to be alert! LOL. Of course everyone else that depends on me, like my husband, friends and family understand my hustle. I have to be there for my kids in any
capacity that they may need me. 
 
I’m not trying to be rich; I want to be well off. It’s a HUGE difference. If my daughter says “Mommy, I want to go to Spelman” then I want to afford it. I want my kids to be strong but I don’t want them to have to struggle the way I did. Being a mommy was the best thing that ever happened to me. However, I didn’t realize that by me running myself ragged I was unintentionally hurting my babies. 
 
I’m up at 3AM pumping my milk for my daughter that I’m still nursing, at work by 4.30AM/5AM, sometimes I am required to work overtime, if not I get home to care for my daughter. I then cook dinner so that my kids can come home to a warm meal. From homework, to helping my kids in areas they are weak in, mommy duty is in full effect for the next 5/6 hours until bedtime. At this time I am BURNED out! I get in the shower and find the energy to write for a few hours. Sometimes I’m too tired to think so I get some rest, but other times I write and write into the wee hours of the morning. The next day as you can imagine I have no energy and can barely function. I’ve made a conscious decision to not take my frustrations out on the people have nothing to do with what’s negatively affecting me. I’ve been successful at this, luckily. Instead of snapping at my kids or spouse, sometimes I would sneak off to the bathroom just for a moment of tranquility. 
  
While under a moment of duress last week, I called a very dear friend of mine and she asked, “What does success mean to you?” I  want to be someone my children can look up to. I want to show them that with  hard work; the sky is the limit. Throughout our conversation, I realized that I was trying to do TOO much. This friend has said to me several times, “slow down!” Finally I heard what she’s been trying to say for so long. I need to slow down--for my health. Sleep is very important and though I may think that I can continue to keep going and going; I am not the energizer bunny.

Finally I heard what God was telling me through this friend. I’m not being told to stop doing what I’m doing; I need to ...LIVE. I can’t only exist in my writing and the dreams of how I would like things to be. I need to live in the present and by doing so it will help me be a better me!
 
This weekend I plan on doing some soul searching. I plan on cutting some things out of my life. I am continuously GOING and I need to LIVE. My kids are growing so fast and I need to slow down to enjoy them and my life. I’ll keep you all posted on my journey; wish me luck!
 
Nai’lah

God is great.
He’s amazing, powerful and has control over
it all…
…my joys, my pains, and my blessings.
He made the birds, and the bees,
the trees, the sun, the moon
and stars.
He made us...
Individually packaged to offer
Our greatness to the world
but our greatness—he bestows
us with it on His time
NOT ours.

Sometimes I get weary
And I may question
And I may cry
And I may ask…Why, why me?
Only to see that he’s working on
something BIGGER,
GREATER and
BETTER ..than I could
ever fathom!

Why is he great? Because
while there are those struggling with
REAL life problems, health and mental diseases…
I struggle with being a starving artist.
Though my belly is full
Though I gave birth to two beautiful, smart and healthy kids.

I complain about what I don’t have
While there are others that DON’T have!
I have enough where I can help others so I have
more than need!
My burdens can be strenuous…AT times
But it’s all for a greater purpose--
…to make me better…
A better me.
A better mommy.
A better woman.
A better writer.
My struggles have made me into who I am
So…
Thank you, God.
For all that you do and have done and will continue to do.
I have no right to complain
Because you continue to GIVE me so much!

I work too much or at least that’s what I’ve been told. Different people  have noticed my hustle and tell me that I need to slow down. Some have even said, “hey, you need to stop!” So my thing is this…I’m working at achieving a certain goal. I’m an aspiring writer, mother, wife, with a fulltime job who’s nursing an 8 month old. At times I get weary, at times I want to quit because I feel overwhelmed. However when I think about giving up something in the back of my mind tells me to FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT! So I WRITE, and I WRITE and I WRITE some more. 
 
There are so many stories within that are dying to be told. It’s not that I’m aiming for perfection though I’m a perfectionist…Shhh…I want to illustrate the best of me to my readers! I have so many projects that could’ve been completed so long ago but I want to know that the story is being told the way I envisioned it.  Masterpieces take a long time to come to fruition so I take things one day at a time. 

I don’t expect other people to understand my plight nor do I expect them to empathize with my circumstances. Heck, they don’t even have to respect what I do. The people that matter—respect my hustle and determination so to everyone else...your opinion of me doesn’t phase me. I care for my kids—I cook daily, provide a healthy environment for my children, support their endeavors and after I’ve done my mommy/wifely duties; I write. If my writing takes me into the wee hours of the mornings and I only get 2-3 hours of sleep then that’s my
choice.
 
I aspire to be…and I will but nothing worth having ever comes easily. When opportunity comes knocking I WILL BE READY! My hard work will reap the rewards I so desperately seek. To my fellow writers who experience anything similar…please speak out! I’d love to hear your stories.

Since last year I’ve been saying, ‘this is my year’. I guess you can say it’s wishful thinking then again a lot of great things happened for me last year. Mentally, I’ve become much stronger. Though I wasn’t fortunate to have had some miracle happen where I could quit my job and do this writing fulltime; I was blessed with another amazing gift—the birth of my daughter. I’m not sure if other mothers feel the same but my kids give me a sense of urgency. I know that I need to get things rolling and do so quickly for them.  

Yes, last year I was on a roll but this year I’m much more focused. I have several pieces of work that are completed and ready to be shopped around.  My next step is to find either an agent or a manager. I’m still doing my research on both. One essential ideal shared is that an agent sells your work whereas a manager is willing to build your career. I’m pretty much leaning towards seeking a manager but at the end of the day I will need both. 
 
In efforts to help illustrate that I am a phenomenal writer, I plan on entering my script at a few renowned competitions and or fellowships. Even if I don’t win the competitions; I do hope to place well as this will give me an edge other new writers may not attain. 

I know that my time is coming so there’s no way I’m going to slow down. Having a baby in the mix of all my chaos just makes things a bit more challenging but not impossible. My 9-5 job has been eating up a great deal of my time so I will have to continue to juggle it all. I have to keep fighting against all odds. I have to keep pushing myself even on the days I don’t have the energy to do so. This hard work will be rewarded with the success I’ve always dreamed about. I will make it and I’m going to continue to strive until I do! 
 
To all my aspiring writers out there; don’t give up—2013 is our year! We have to continue to hash these books, plays, Spec scripts, and Feature film scripts out and speak this success in existence! Our time isn’t coming; it’s here! 

Wishing you all the best,
Nai’lah

A woman sent a profound request that demanded all of my attention. Unfortunately for me, I’ve been swamped with work and my household duties which left me with little to no time to respond.

The email went something like this…

Nai’lah,
I’m bringing this question to your attention because for the most part, I believe that every writer has encountered this problem at one point. For most of my life I have been invalidated as a writer. People have this notion that because I don’t have a 9 to 5 occupation, my life is meaningless. Not because I don’t have mountains of money; it doesn’t mean that I’m not working. Sometimes, I feel like quitting so as to shut them up! But I won’t be defeated by their ignorance. This is my passion and my existence; I just want some empathy.

When I read this, I could relate 100%. Though I am a working mom and an aspiring writer doesn’t remotely remove me from these feelings that you attain. However, if you don’t mind me saying, the issue doesn’t lie in being a writer, but in being…a woman. Often times, the things that we do are unseen or undervalued. You, me and every other woman around the entire globe face these very issues daily—we cook, clean, care for our kids in their time of illness, take them to games and practice, help with homework and we do so with a smile on our faces and love in our hearts. We do it all daily with lack of sleep and we’re expected to get up and go, go, go no matter what. Stay-at-home Moms, working Moms, full-time Aspiring…whatevers: Writers, Singers, Actors, Models…women with dreams are all combined into one as we all face the same challenges!

I received my B.A. in English and to find a job with a Liberal Arts degree seems like a hoax—we aren’t taken seriously. Graduating at the top of your class is unimportant. It seems as if the world thinks we breezed through college. It’s as if we didn’t have to write twenty and thirty page research papers, or as if we didn’t have to take the same general electives or work twice as hard as the average college student. So when you wonder if I can relate, my dear… trust me; I can. I work for a company that makes a mockery of my degree. Some of my coworkers attain higher positions than I; they lack the expertise, and professionalism I acquire. While on vacation, I’ve covered for them, and on several instances; I’ve even trained them on different applications. Since my degree isn’t a technical one; I continue to be overlooked.

For years, I found myself disgruntle and down right, bitter when it came to going to work. I hated every minute of it until a few months ago when I had my daughter. Instead of looking at my current circumstances and dreading and waiting for tomorrow, I started living in today! In doing so, I motivated myself by every deterrence and by every condescending act I faced—because I was and am bigger than this! This—my current situation is my humble beginnings—I am destined to something greater but I have to live through this to get where I’m trying to go! I live in today but I’m looking for tomorrow. NO one can make me feel as if I’m less than what I’m worth because I cherish who I am!

Here’s the thing, you need not worry about how you’re valued in another person’s mind. Worry about how you see yourself. See your worth, appreciate your talent. You should worry about how your kids or your spouse/significant other/family and friends see/s you. Anyone after that… tell them to, kick rocks! Kick rocks simply means, for them to go about their business and let them allow you to go about yours! You should focus your energy on your craft. I live for my writing so I can commiserate with your feelings towards it. You can’t worry yourself with another person’s perception of you, you can’t worry if they can empathize with your situation. They’re trying to deter you from what you were destined to do!

I always have to be myself… I try being nice and doing the right thing. If you’re like me then this is your downfall too. If they don’t understand your plight as a Writer, after you’ve reasoned with them then tell them, in plain English to go F**K themselves!

A woman sent me an email…a while ago; I’d say that it has been 3-weeks now. In addition to being busy, I didn’t have the slightest idea on figuring out how to respond to the question. I’ve had quite some time to approach this as honestly as I can:

Let’s call this woman, Cindy. Cindy’s been in a happy relationship with her mate for 11 years and lately she can’t keep him home. All he wants to do is go to the strip club. Cindy’s tried so many things from dancing for him to dressing up in crazy costumes but still his urge for the strip club hasn’t been diluted. He told her to have an open mind and invited her to the strip club with him. He said that it would take their relationship to another plane. She brought this question to my attention because she’s debating on going.

Let me start off by saying this: marriage isn’t for everyone but why the HELL… okay let me change my tone. You’ve been seeing this man for over a decade so what type of promise has he made to you about your relationship? Do you plan on dating until things get old then you restart with someone new? True there is no guarantee even with marriage but what type of commitment has this man made to you? You could give him all that he wants—sexually, emotionally or physically. After a while he can still get bored then leave you for the next. Then what? I’ll tell you what: you devoted over a decade into something that procured nothing!

Did this dude seriously ask you to go WITH HIM to the strip club? Most women do think that men are complete idiots but seriously?! Was he drunk when asked—because I’d opt to blaming it on the liquor. Did you hurl a pole at him and knock out his teeth? Did you uppercut his simple behind like the Cleveland bus driver did towards that female passenger? And what the hell is take the relationship to another plane… you need to chin check him so hard that he goes on another “plane”! It’s absurdly outrageous!!! Why would he have the nerve to ask you a question like that? Obviously by you seeking advice from me—it illustrates that you’re uncomfortable with the situation. He’s known you for 11 years so he should be cognizant of what you will or will not accept. You want my advice: Don’t do it to keep him!

Now, don’t get me wrong there are some couples that go to strip clubs together or ones where they invite other people to their bedroom. To each his/her own; I’m not going to judge the next person but I do know what I will or will not accept. If that’s not the type of relationship you want to be in then do not indulge in his fantasy to a point where you lose your morals or yourself. The relationship will not last.

Men will do what you allow them to do. As women there are things that we tolerate but if you’re going to lose yourself in the process of maintaining this relationship, honey it’s not worth it. If this guy is adamant about going to the strip club then he can have the strippers! You’re doing your best to entice him at home—some women wouldn’t even consider playing roles for their mates. If he can’t see the gem he has at home then you need to show him by putting his ass out and/or leaving! It’s as simple as that. “Baby, it’s been a nice ride but I’m getting off this immobile shit! You and the strippers can have a nice life! I will find me a man that respects…and adores me and I will be enough!” That’s how that conversation should go and you need to leave and not turn back.

Letting go is hard! But at the end of the day, sweetie you need to be happy. If this relationship has become or is becoming emotionally destitute, the longer you stay; it will deplete you of all your happiness.

Good luck and I wish you the best.
Nai’lah

“Why do I trust the wrong people?” Was the question that was brought to my attention on #AskNailah. It’s sad to say but I used to be that way—you would’ve called me gullible, green, inexperienced…hell, the perfect word would be…innocent. Not anymore though. Throughout my years I’ve been hurt by so many. Disrespect and disregard led to disappointment that eventually fermented into disaster. I used to believe in treating people with the same level of respect that I wanted.

How do I say this? Well, some people you have to take things a step at a time. Respect isn’t and shouldn’t be given to anyone; it should be earned. Don’t assume that because you’re an honest and trust worthy person; everyone else is the same.

After confiding in someone about something very personal and having that individual broadcast my business like she was a reporter on the eleven o’clock news, then forgiving her because…she seemed so genuine about having “my best interest at heart…and that it was a simple misunderstanding…. and slip of the tongue”. If you’ve been stabbed in the back by a perpetrator, then this should sound very familiar to you. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that the people that will stab you in the back are the ones that come off sincere and genuine. When the betrayal is brought to your attention, it’s like a big, muscular, six foot guy name ‘Tiny’ slapped you across the face.

To answer your question: Let outsiders earn the right to move from acquaintance to friend/confidant. If you believe they’ve been moved to ‘friend’ status, test them. Share something with them and look at their reaction. This is a test so be attentive—scrutinize their every move. If you get a vibe that their intentions aren’t pure, cut them lose!

If I know that you’re not in my corner then I don’t want you around. I’ve got a lot of people wishing malice my way so why would I intentionally look for more negativity?

You may have a childhood friend that lately you’ve been realizing isn’t happy when good things happen for you. What do you do? You tend to overlook their flaws and make excuses for them. What you need to do is put rubbers on that relationship because as soon as an opportunity presents itself, this “friend” will royally screw you and like a viral infection, this can affect you in ways you can’t imagine.

Hey, I’m keepin’ it real! Good luck and keep me posted.

Nai’lah